Big Tech Power Rankings
september 30 2025
POWER PLAYER OF THE WEEK
FRIEND.COM
an ai kid tush pushes an ai necklace into nyc; the city is furious about it. debates rage over whether everyone hating a campaign telling you to replace shitty rooommates with an annoying chatbot is worth it for the views. the founder insists yes: the $1m spent on the ads are worth the 1k users they have. a16z, whose leading factors for ai investment are a) how many people think you're an idiot on twitter and b) how bad is the worst thing you've done on the new york subway, is preparing a term sheet.
POWER PLAYER OF THE WEEK
FRIEND.COM
an ai kid tush pushes an ai necklace into nyc; the city is furious about it. debates rage over whether everyone hating a campaign telling you to replace shitty rooommates with an annoying chatbot is worth it for the views. the founder insists yes: the $1m spent on the ads are worth the 1k users they have. a16z, whose leading factors for ai investment are a) how many people think you're an idiot on twitter and b) how bad is the worst thing you've done on the new york subway, is preparing a term sheet.
NVIDIA
jensen is working the field like pat mahomes—behind the back tosses, no look passes, running straight at linebackers knowing they're too afraid to hit him. nvidia is flaunting it in 4k, like suggesting they create a shell corp to buy their own chips and rent them to openai, who would pay with cash nvidia invests. you'd think some hype-free analysis here could end this streak...but like mahomes with a twisted ankle, a lil shot on the sidelines and they're right back in, throwing tds. unstoppable unit, this one.
NVIDIA
jensen is working the field like pat mahomes—behind the back tosses, no look passes, running straight at linebackers knowing they're too afraid to hit him. nvidia is flaunting it in 4k, like suggesting they create a shell corp to buy their own chips and rent them to openai, who would pay with cash nvidia invests. you'd think some hype-free analysis here could end this streak...but like mahomes with a twisted ankle, a lil shot on the sidelines and they're right back in, throwing tds. unstoppable unit, this one.
OPENAI
sam altman, then, is ai's travis kelce: catch ball (get funding), run to endzone (do much compute), score td (create itinerary for tech journalist's vacations). sam is a little more like forest gump, though, in that he just loves the running (compute) part. pulse, their new chatgpt product, wonders: "what if we did compute even when you didn't ask us to?" he even wrote a blog post about how much he loves to compute. god damn, this man loves compute. we're gonna need some more compute over here!
OPENAI
sam altman, then, is ai's travis kelce: catch ball (get funding), run to endzone (do much compute), score td (create itinerary for tech journalist's vacations). sam is a little more like forest gump, though, in that he just loves the running (compute) part. pulse, their new chatgpt product, wonders: "what if we did compute even when you didn't ask us to?" he even wrote a blog post about how much he loves to compute. god damn, this man loves compute. we're gonna need some more compute over here!
MICROSOFT
the national guard is going to portland, and it may make a second stop in seattle: microsoft v trump is heating up. first it's h1b, when the company sounded the alarm and told visa holders to come back asap or stay put. then, they held their ground when trump witch-hunted an executive for breathing the same air as biden. meanwhile, satya is unbothered, tweeting ai tips like a career coach linkedin influencer.
MICROSOFT
the national guard is going to portland, and it may make a second stop in seattle: microsoft v trump is heating up. first it's h1b, when the company sounded the alarm and told visa holders to come back asap or stay put. then, they held their ground when trump witch-hunted an executive for breathing the same air as biden. meanwhile, satya is unbothered, tweeting ai tips like a career coach linkedin influencer.
google folds for the white house and says biden pressured them to ban youtube accounts who were making stuff up about covid. they promise to bring the accounts back. so nick fuentes and alex jones make new accounts, but are instantly banned. after a few weeks of winning, google is playing trumpian politics: make sure he sees you doing something he likes on fox news, then don't follow up when he looks away.
google folds for the white house and says biden pressured them to ban youtube accounts who were making stuff up about covid. they promise to bring the accounts back. so nick fuentes and alex jones make new accounts, but are instantly banned. after a few weeks of winning, google is playing trumpian politics: make sure he sees you doing something he likes on fox news, then don't follow up when he looks away.
ANTHROPIC
claude code 2.0, claude sonnet 4.5. benchmarks say strong improvements. people say idk, i guess, feels kinda the same. we're gonna need a popcorn- and tomato-meter for new model releases soon. separately, california passes an ai safety law, so anthropic at least gives their competitors some extra red tape to keep developing new models.
ANTHROPIC
claude code 2.0, claude sonnet 4.5. benchmarks say strong improvements. people say idk, i guess, feels kinda the same. we're gonna need a popcorn- and tomato-meter for new model releases soon. separately, california passes an ai safety law, so anthropic at least gives their competitors some extra red tape to keep developing new models.
TESLA
the company is locked in to shareholder vote mode: x is even running ads to get tesla voters to approve paying him a trillion dollars and to let tesla pay for grok development, among other things. we can expect elon not to do much until he's secured the bag.
TESLA
the company is locked in to shareholder vote mode: x is even running ads to get tesla voters to approve paying him a trillion dollars and to let tesla pay for grok development, among other things. we can expect elon not to do much until he's secured the bag.
APPLE
people like their new product lines, even if they aren't excited about it. sure, ios26 looks like they pulled a phone out of the k pop demon hunters movie, but you get used to it. and now we can say goofy shit like "my next iphone is gonna be gonna be golden"
APPLE
people like their new product lines, even if they aren't excited about it. sure, ios26 looks like they pulled a phone out of the k pop demon hunters movie, but you get used to it. and now we can say goofy shit like "my next iphone is gonna be gonna be golden"
META
meta (company tagline: building the future of human connection) announces an ai-only feed of content, successfully stealing openai's thunder with an onlyslop product. it makes sense that someone who only does business through texting and needs subtitles to understand people talking to him would think is a good idea.
META
meta (company tagline: building the future of human connection) announces an ai-only feed of content, successfully stealing openai's thunder with an onlyslop product. it makes sense that someone who only does business through texting and needs subtitles to understand people talking to him would think is a good idea.
X
grok is going to washington. this is more of a "ok, you can use it i guess" than a "we are going to use this" since all the other model providers are already there. unrelated, elon is in new epstein documents. tough time to be on your own fan club app getting uno reversed.
X
grok is going to washington. this is more of a "ok, you can use it i guess" than a "we are going to use this" since all the other model providers are already there. unrelated, elon is in new epstein documents. tough time to be on your own fan club app getting uno reversed.