Big Tech Power Rankings
march 2026
ANTHROPIC
tries to sell scopes to the military on the condition that they don’t put them on their guns. the leaders of the military—a man who threw an axe and hit someone on live television and a man who allowed employees to track celebrities taking uber rides—get upset at the idea of anthropic disallowing use for autonomous weapons firing and mass surveillance. tech elites who turned maga because of government overreach in tech say that the government should have unlimited reach when buying tech.
ANTHROPIC
tries to sell scopes to the military on the condition that they don’t put them on their guns. the leaders of the military—a man who threw an axe and hit someone on live television and a man who allowed employees to track celebrities taking uber rides—get upset at the idea of anthropic disallowing use for autonomous weapons firing and mass surveillance. tech elites who turned maga because of government overreach in tech say that the government should have unlimited reach when buying tech.
NVIDIA
still the only shop making profits from AI. on the plus side, this means they can continue holding up the whole AI world like atlas without breaking a sweat. on the minus side, it seems like making up large numbers to predict the future is having diminishing returns.
NVIDIA
still the only shop making profits from AI. on the plus side, this means they can continue holding up the whole AI world like atlas without breaking a sweat. on the minus side, it seems like making up large numbers to predict the future is having diminishing returns.
OPENAI
before the breakup call between anthropic and DEPARTMENT OF WAR had even hung up, sam was at drunk pete’s door, box of chocolates and a love actually dvd in hand, moisturized shoulder ready to collect tears. going full sporus, the company elevated their code red to code #FAF9F5 and shifted focus from slop videos and slop sexting to coding and enterprise.
OPENAI
before the breakup call between anthropic and DEPARTMENT OF WAR had even hung up, sam was at drunk pete’s door, box of chocolates and a love actually dvd in hand, moisturized shoulder ready to collect tears. going full sporus, the company elevated their code red to code #FAF9F5 and shifted focus from slop videos and slop sexting to coding and enterprise.
the company spending the most and the company spending the least on AI are both now relying on google for it. there’s a midwit meme in there somewhere…”just use Gemini”…yeah banger…haha.
the company spending the most and the company spending the least on AI are both now relying on google for it. there’s a midwit meme in there somewhere…”just use Gemini”…yeah banger…haha.
APPLE
the one in the group that never remembers to complete their venmo requests. being bad enough for long enough is starting to make them look smart, but that’s still only a sliver of a fragment of a hope. separately, their longtime head of design that everyone hated left, and everything immediately started looking better.
APPLE
the one in the group that never remembers to complete their venmo requests. being bad enough for long enough is starting to make them look smart, but that’s still only a sliver of a fragment of a hope. separately, their longtime head of design that everyone hated left, and everything immediately started looking better.
MICROSOFT
once openAI’s zaddy, now just somebody that they used to know. they raised the largest round in history, surpassing themselves a year ago, and microsoft barely got an invite. really unclear how satya doesn’t get fired here pretty soon.
MICROSOFT
once openAI’s zaddy, now just somebody that they used to know. they raised the largest round in history, surpassing themselves a year ago, and microsoft barely got an invite. really unclear how satya doesn’t get fired here pretty soon.
ELON CORP
like Agatha Christie’s masterpiece novel And Then There Were None, the last of the xai founding team departed the company, and now there are none. this also applies to the number of robot-only driven cars tesla has on the road; FSD has been renamed in the fine print as “FSD Pro”, short for “Full Self Driving Provided There Is A Person Driving And They Are The Self In Question.”
ELON CORP
like Agatha Christie’s masterpiece novel And Then There Were None, the last of the xai founding team departed the company, and now there are none. this also applies to the number of robot-only driven cars tesla has on the road; FSD has been renamed in the fine print as “FSD Pro”, short for “Full Self Driving Provided There Is A Person Driving And They Are The Self In Question.”
META
THE METAVERSE IS DEAD. THE METAVERSE IS DEAD. THE METAVERSE IS DEAD. mark “human llm” zuckerberg finally gets prompted forcefully enough to admit that his belief in the metaverse made no sense. he went and bought moltbook so he could get lots of likes when he posts “oops! just spent $80b on tokens because I thought everyone was like me and can’t interact with humans in person.”
META
THE METAVERSE IS DEAD. THE METAVERSE IS DEAD. THE METAVERSE IS DEAD. mark “human llm” zuckerberg finally gets prompted forcefully enough to admit that his belief in the metaverse made no sense. he went and bought moltbook so he could get lots of likes when he posts “oops! just spent $80b on tokens because I thought everyone was like me and can’t interact with humans in person.”