Big Tech Power Rankings
august 24 2025
NVIDIA
just crossed $4T, first ever for any company. picks and shovels of AI boom. literally the only company actually making money from ai. it’s giving patriots vs the afc east in the 2010s. jensen huang cool leather jacket. easy dub.
NVIDIA
just crossed $4T, first ever for any company. picks and shovels of AI boom. literally the only company actually making money from ai. it’s giving patriots vs the afc east in the 2010s. jensen huang cool leather jacket. easy dub.
a year ago, chatgpt was search, google was telling you to put rocks on pizza and the justice dept was sharpening knives to slice up the company. but sundar pichai said let us cook and now they’ve gone all gordon ramsay: youtube tv overtook cable tv, waymo is taking on nyc, ai search that somehow makes even more ad money than before. also a hyperscaler, also phones, also enterprise…whether the AI bubble keeps blowing or bursts, they win.
a year ago, chatgpt was search, google was telling you to put rocks on pizza and the justice dept was sharpening knives to slice up the company. but sundar pichai said let us cook and now they’ve gone all gordon ramsay: youtube tv overtook cable tv, waymo is taking on nyc, ai search that somehow makes even more ad money than before. also a hyperscaler, also phones, also enterprise…whether the AI bubble keeps blowing or bursts, they win.
MICROSOFT
the og ai hyperscaler. daddy to openai, which now has an end-of-year deadline to shape up or get kicked out of the house. new research says ai sucks for business, microsoft office says idgaf you pay us anyway. when everyone already sees you as the evil office corp, the relentless pursuit of profits doesn’t need a facade.
MICROSOFT
the og ai hyperscaler. daddy to openai, which now has an end-of-year deadline to shape up or get kicked out of the house. new research says ai sucks for business, microsoft office says idgaf you pay us anyway. when everyone already sees you as the evil office corp, the relentless pursuit of profits doesn’t need a facade.
AMAZON
stepdaddy to anthropic. if america runs on duncan, the internet runs on aws - and ordering shit online runs on prime. vibes are immaculate from ice cube doing a movie-length surveillance tech demo and the anticipation of making a real housewife of silicon valley into a bond girl.
AMAZON
stepdaddy to anthropic. if america runs on duncan, the internet runs on aws - and ordering shit online runs on prime. vibes are immaculate from ice cube doing a movie-length surveillance tech demo and the anticipation of making a real housewife of silicon valley into a bond girl.
COINBASE
the cryptos are back, baby. ath, to the moon, all that stuff, but now its legal. genius act is in, $trump grifting like a CT regular. we haven’t seen winning like this since charlie sheen.
COINBASE
the cryptos are back, baby. ath, to the moon, all that stuff, but now its legal. genius act is in, $trump grifting like a CT regular. we haven’t seen winning like this since charlie sheen.
X
elon musk may have gone from tony stark to tony baloney, but he's still rich af and out here grindin. smashing twitter/x and grok together has had some stumbles (mechahitler), but you can't deny the staying power when whole companies are born from shitposting (cluely). very soon grok will be at human level and reply with laughing emojis and dick jokes as good as - or even better than - the legend himself.
X
elon musk may have gone from tony stark to tony baloney, but he's still rich af and out here grindin. smashing twitter/x and grok together has had some stumbles (mechahitler), but you can't deny the staying power when whole companies are born from shitposting (cluely). very soon grok will be at human level and reply with laughing emojis and dick jokes as good as - or even better than - the legend himself.
META
meta had a hot summer, but summer is ending and meta may be cooling. buying a whole new team will always have its challenges, and meta's ai department is no exception. alexandr wang is the process; trust the process, and we could all have our own personalized porn bots, just as god intended. and you can't count out zuck when all he has to do is turn up the 'more ads' dial to keep the cash coming to fund more bad ideas.
META
meta had a hot summer, but summer is ending and meta may be cooling. buying a whole new team will always have its challenges, and meta's ai department is no exception. alexandr wang is the process; trust the process, and we could all have our own personalized porn bots, just as god intended. and you can't count out zuck when all he has to do is turn up the 'more ads' dial to keep the cash coming to fund more bad ideas.
OPENAI
fresh off a gpt-5 flop, sam altman is walking around going bubble this, agi isn't even real that. vibes are off and foundations are starting to crack on the ai hype. still: openai is 90% of gen ai business and users, sam will likely figure out how to get more funding this year, and tech journos like phineas and ferb over at nyt (kevin roose, casey newton) are gonna keep megaphoning whatever ai bros say for the near future. down, but recoverable.
OPENAI
fresh off a gpt-5 flop, sam altman is walking around going bubble this, agi isn't even real that. vibes are off and foundations are starting to crack on the ai hype. still: openai is 90% of gen ai business and users, sam will likely figure out how to get more funding this year, and tech journos like phineas and ferb over at nyt (kevin roose, casey newton) are gonna keep megaphoning whatever ai bros say for the near future. down, but recoverable.
ANTHROPIC
the lyft to openai's uber. smaller, less evil, basically doing the same thing. they figured out ai coding first, which was the secret sauce for cursor to exist. gpt-5 did go right for anthropic's enterprise strategy, though, and there hasn't really been a response yet. ball in dario's court.
ANTHROPIC
the lyft to openai's uber. smaller, less evil, basically doing the same thing. they figured out ai coding first, which was the secret sauce for cursor to exist. gpt-5 did go right for anthropic's enterprise strategy, though, and there hasn't really been a response yet. ball in dario's court.
PALANTIR
everyone who isn't involved in stocks or weapons hates these guys. they're so toxic, birthday party flyer apps are catching strays. the stock has 5x'ed in the past year, but modest earnings show peter thiel probably be pumpin it. they're playing the police state shift like a fiddle, though, so those contracts probably aren't stopping anytime soon.
PALANTIR
everyone who isn't involved in stocks or weapons hates these guys. they're so toxic, birthday party flyer apps are catching strays. the stock has 5x'ed in the past year, but modest earnings show peter thiel probably be pumpin it. they're playing the police state shift like a fiddle, though, so those contracts probably aren't stopping anytime soon.
TESLA
woke cancel culture is still alive in the fight against tesla, which had a hard 180 from the next gen leftie symbol, after the prius, into doing regional used car commericals on trump's white house lawn. elon has underpromised and underdelivered all year, and only twitter bots and fanbois are keeping this thing afloat. the pivot from selling cars to being 5 years behind waymo with worse tech seems ill advised, but i don't do ketamine so maybe i'm missing something.
TESLA
woke cancel culture is still alive in the fight against tesla, which had a hard 180 from the next gen leftie symbol, after the prius, into doing regional used car commericals on trump's white house lawn. elon has underpromised and underdelivered all year, and only twitter bots and fanbois are keeping this thing afloat. the pivot from selling cars to being 5 years behind waymo with worse tech seems ill advised, but i don't do ketamine so maybe i'm missing something.
APPLE
first, the app store cash firehose got its water cut off in court. next, tariff liberation day has liberated apple from having a good supply chain. now tim apple is in the white house giving trump a donut trophy or some crap, idk what that even was. negative rizz coming from this unit rn. complete failure to do ai. c'mon guys. figure it out.
APPLE
first, the app store cash firehose got its water cut off in court. next, tariff liberation day has liberated apple from having a good supply chain. now tim apple is in the white house giving trump a donut trophy or some crap, idk what that even was. negative rizz coming from this unit rn. complete failure to do ai. c'mon guys. figure it out.