Big Tech Power Rankings
september 1 2025
NVIDIA
dominance continues. earnings reveal that the ai industry is really just a $1t rube goldberg machine that brings jensen huang more leather jackets.
NVIDIA
dominance continues. earnings reveal that the ai industry is really just a $1t rube goldberg machine that brings jensen huang more leather jackets.
MICROSOFT
no news is good news, eh? particularly true for openai becoming a for-profit, which microsoft needs to sign on for. because maybe openai doesn't, and then doesn't get that softbank yen, and then dies, and then microsoft gets chatgpt for free...hmmm...
MICROSOFT
no news is good news, eh? particularly true for openai becoming a for-profit, which microsoft needs to sign on for. because maybe openai doesn't, and then doesn't get that softbank yen, and then dies, and then microsoft gets chatgpt for free...hmmm...
tech hardos are furious that google is putting a bouncer on the android app store. ai hardos go bananas about a new image generation model. since image gen is not an actual useful feature and is basically just clanker demo marketing for the twitterverse, we're calling this a net negative week for these fellas.
tech hardos are furious that google is putting a bouncer on the android app store. ai hardos go bananas about a new image generation model. since image gen is not an actual useful feature and is basically just clanker demo marketing for the twitterverse, we're calling this a net negative week for these fellas.
AMAZON
needed a replacement charger for a theragun this week after i wrecked my neck. ordered at night, came the next afternoon. you really just can't argue with these kinds of results folks.
AMAZON
needed a replacement charger for a theragun this week after i wrecked my neck. ordered at night, came the next afternoon. you really just can't argue with these kinds of results folks.
COINBASE
brian armstrong aka nice-guy feyd-rautha harkonnen went on a press tour to talk about how crypto is still around and you guys this time it's super legit and definitely not a scam and you should buy more. he also revealed that he spoke to the ai gods and he cleansed his company of non-believers for them. very cool and smart.
COINBASE
brian armstrong aka nice-guy feyd-rautha harkonnen went on a press tour to talk about how crypto is still around and you guys this time it's super legit and definitely not a scam and you should buy more. he also revealed that he spoke to the ai gods and he cleansed his company of non-believers for them. very cool and smart.
PALANTIR
the big dump last week on ai bubble fears was just a lil sanity adjustment; plantir is trading at *only* 500x earnings now. ai chatbot companies are taking up the evil news section from all the stories of people going insane talking to the clankers, which means palantir is out of sight out of mind again.
PALANTIR
the big dump last week on ai bubble fears was just a lil sanity adjustment; plantir is trading at *only* 500x earnings now. ai chatbot companies are taking up the evil news section from all the stories of people going insane talking to the clankers, which means palantir is out of sight out of mind again.
ANTHROPIC
launched an ai browser with an accompanying tag that says "this sucks do not use". launched an advisory board to keep up appearances that they're the only chatbot company that cares about people. launched new terms to remind you that they don't. in a moment where every story is someone losing their minds or their jobs from ai, they didn't do all that bad.
ANTHROPIC
launched an ai browser with an accompanying tag that says "this sucks do not use". launched an advisory board to keep up appearances that they're the only chatbot company that cares about people. launched new terms to remind you that they don't. in a moment where every story is someone losing their minds or their jobs from ai, they didn't do all that bad.
OPENAI
sam altman, after promising a porche and delivering a miata, is now telling everyone that agi (thing he said he could make) is already done, and also openai isn't close to building it, and also it doesn't even mean anything. and to cap it off, says ai is a bubble. asked claude if this was true and it said "you're absolutely right!"
OPENAI
sam altman, after promising a porche and delivering a miata, is now telling everyone that agi (thing he said he could make) is already done, and also openai isn't close to building it, and also it doesn't even mean anything. and to cap it off, says ai is a bubble. asked claude if this was true and it said "you're absolutely right!"
META
meta finds out they bought a $14b lemon. whispers are that a wang is a dud, everyone has known (maybe except mark) scale data sucks, and the ai avengers are getting snapped away just as fast as they were assembled. zuck continues hunting his white whale of having a single original thought.
META
meta finds out they bought a $14b lemon. whispers are that a wang is a dud, everyone has known (maybe except mark) scale data sucks, and the ai avengers are getting snapped away just as fast as they were assembled. zuck continues hunting his white whale of having a single original thought.
APPLE
like rebellions, apple these days runs on hope. unclear if their strategy for ai is to figure their shit out, or to try to convince everyone it can't be done. either way, the hope they are offering is new iphones, which we can all hope are actually good and new and interesting.
APPLE
like rebellions, apple these days runs on hope. unclear if their strategy for ai is to figure their shit out, or to try to convince everyone it can't be done. either way, the hope they are offering is new iphones, which we can all hope are actually good and new and interesting.
X
day in the life of elon: wake up, tell ai pornbot about his nightmares. ask the dweeby nerd why his stupid little tricks haven't gotten X to the top of the app store yet. sue apple because dweeby nerd only knows how to reach high schoolers. ask engineers to make more outfits for the pornbot. pretend you're launching a company with a dick joke. tell other people to use your ai pornbot. do some ketamine.
X
day in the life of elon: wake up, tell ai pornbot about his nightmares. ask the dweeby nerd why his stupid little tricks haven't gotten X to the top of the app store yet. sue apple because dweeby nerd only knows how to reach high schoolers. ask engineers to make more outfits for the pornbot. pretend you're launching a company with a dick joke. tell other people to use your ai pornbot. do some ketamine.
TESLA
unlike spacex, tesla does not have a starship, and thus has no new developments to offer. just fanbois trying to convince twitter bots that tesla self driving cars are taking over austin (just ignore the random guy sitting in the car with you)
TESLA
unlike spacex, tesla does not have a starship, and thus has no new developments to offer. just fanbois trying to convince twitter bots that tesla self driving cars are taking over austin (just ignore the random guy sitting in the car with you)