Big Tech Power Rankings
september 15 2025
behind in ai a year ago, launched themselves back in the game with gemini. threatened with collapse by the justice department, fought their way through unscathed. and now their ai app, thanks to a tiny banana feature, is number one in their rival's app store. sundar and demis are lookin like belichick and brady out there; this might be a 16-0 season.
behind in ai a year ago, launched themselves back in the game with gemini. threatened with collapse by the justice department, fought their way through unscathed. and now their ai app, thanks to a tiny banana feature, is number one in their rival's app store. sundar and demis are lookin like belichick and brady out there; this might be a 16-0 season.
NVIDIA
unseated from the top spot due to an absence of good news, not a presence of bad. reminder that every ai cloud deal and data center plan for hundreds of billions of dollars means tens of billions directly to nvidia. doesn't matter who gets in bed with who: leather jacket stays on.
NVIDIA
unseated from the top spot due to an absence of good news, not a presence of bad. reminder that every ai cloud deal and data center plan for hundreds of billions of dollars means tens of billions directly to nvidia. doesn't matter who gets in bed with who: leather jacket stays on.
MICROSOFT
breaking story: microsoft and openai announce they agree that they are continuing to discuss a potential agreement. news about this deal has been pretty quiet for a while, so they threw out an "are you still watching?" netflix prompt just to make sure we didn't fall asleep.
MICROSOFT
breaking story: microsoft and openai announce they agree that they are continuing to discuss a potential agreement. news about this deal has been pretty quiet for a while, so they threw out an "are you still watching?" netflix prompt just to make sure we didn't fall asleep.
AMAZON
honestly wish this company wasn't here. they're so boring post-bezos. just humming along, doing well, not making waves. good for them. but, like, do something.
AMAZON
honestly wish this company wasn't here. they're so boring post-bezos. just humming along, doing well, not making waves. good for them. but, like, do something.
PALANTIR
ceo alex karp says they don't do surveillance on people (they just collect a lot of data and help authorities use it): six of one is definitely not a half dozen of the other. ultimately, it doesn't matter, because the woke leftist mob who objects doesn't buy palantir, the federal government tracking down and capturing people in the streets does.
PALANTIR
ceo alex karp says they don't do surveillance on people (they just collect a lot of data and help authorities use it): six of one is definitely not a half dozen of the other. ultimately, it doesn't matter, because the woke leftist mob who objects doesn't buy palantir, the federal government tracking down and capturing people in the streets does.
OPENAI
oracle, a b tier company propped up by s tier sales, sells wall street on a fantasy contract with openai for $300 billion. long ball larry probably can't service the deal, nor can smooth talkin sammy pay for it, but omg look at how big the number is i just love when the number after dollar sign has many zero after it. whether or not the number is real is not important, because it keeps the chickens from coming home to roost for another two years.
OPENAI
oracle, a b tier company propped up by s tier sales, sells wall street on a fantasy contract with openai for $300 billion. long ball larry probably can't service the deal, nor can smooth talkin sammy pay for it, but omg look at how big the number is i just love when the number after dollar sign has many zero after it. whether or not the number is real is not important, because it keeps the chickens from coming home to roost for another two years.
ANTHROPIC
we found out anthropic is just like us: they torrent all their shit too! seems like they will need to pay out their pirate's booty for getting all their stuff from the pirate bay. sad, they could've just asked me to dig up my old hard drives full of The Bourne Supremacy (Full)[2004][DVDRip][1080p].mp4.
ANTHROPIC
we found out anthropic is just like us: they torrent all their shit too! seems like they will need to pay out their pirate's booty for getting all their stuff from the pirate bay. sad, they could've just asked me to dig up my old hard drives full of The Bourne Supremacy (Full)[2004][DVDRip][1080p].mp4.
TESLA
elon is now joel embiid, and the board threw down a trillion dollars to say they're gonna trust the process. he has a master plan #4 to prove he's in: they're off to the races. has tesla accomplished any parts of the last three master plans? no. does this master plan make any sense? not really. did the process work for the 76ers? also no. but a purely vibes-based valuation goes up when the vibes are good.
TESLA
elon is now joel embiid, and the board threw down a trillion dollars to say they're gonna trust the process. he has a master plan #4 to prove he's in: they're off to the races. has tesla accomplished any parts of the last three master plans? no. does this master plan make any sense? not really. did the process work for the 76ers? also no. but a purely vibes-based valuation goes up when the vibes are good.
COINBASE
coinbase has spent the year lobbying to make crypto legit, to great success. unfortunately, they're still spending a lot of time trying to make web3 happen, and it's just not going to happen. the old banking tortoises are catching up to the hare.
COINBASE
coinbase has spent the year lobbying to make crypto legit, to great success. unfortunately, they're still spending a lot of time trying to make web3 happen, and it's just not going to happen. the old banking tortoises are catching up to the hare.
APPLE
tech journalists all had a common reaction to the iphone event: they don't care about iphone events anymore. apple moves slow and plays the long game, but doing nothing is a little too slow. they need to get those teenage engineering guys in there or something and start doing something cool and new.
APPLE
tech journalists all had a common reaction to the iphone event: they don't care about iphone events anymore. apple moves slow and plays the long game, but doing nothing is a little too slow. they need to get those teenage engineering guys in there or something and start doing something cool and new.
X
a college kid got put in charge of 1500 people at xai, and then fired a third of them. while this won't help grok move up in the app store rankings or get them any customers, it will probably help them spend less than their current burn of a billion dollars a month.
X
a college kid got put in charge of 1500 people at xai, and then fired a third of them. while this won't help grok move up in the app store rankings or get them any customers, it will probably help them spend less than their current burn of a billion dollars a month.
META
meta turned up the ads dial recently to pay for those chunky ai salaries, so that's why ig may feel like a giant commercial right now. the only real news is old: from whatsapp privacy to ai chatbot safety, the company with a mission to connect people doesn't actually give a shit about those people.
META
meta turned up the ads dial recently to pay for those chunky ai salaries, so that's why ig may feel like a giant commercial right now. the only real news is old: from whatsapp privacy to ai chatbot safety, the company with a mission to connect people doesn't actually give a shit about those people.